I’m Not a Quitter

Ever since I started talking about adoption, people have been giving me all kinds of grief.

The most common thing I hear is “how can you give up your baby?” Just because I’m considering an adoption plan, doesn’t mean I’m giving her up. It’s not like I’m throwing her up into the air and just waiting for her to be caught by some nameless, faceless, and soulless stranger out there!

The thing is, right now my life looks overwhelming. I have two toddlers—and I love them—but when one gets sick and can’t go to daycare, I can’t go to work. My boss says she understands, but she’s written me up twice for being late when my car died. I’m literally one write up away from being fired. My ex is no help and right now he’s living with his new girlfriend. I’m not a priority, and he says he doesn’t care about the baby I’m carrying. He’s not even sure she’s his.

So I’m planning. I’m thinking.

I’m working things through in my head. I love this baby—like I love all my babies. The two at home need me to be strong and to get them fed and get them to bed at night. They need me to be able to read their bedtime stories. They need me to get them ready to go to the sitter’s and play in the park on the way home. I can’t give them a father. But I know they deserve the best of me that they can get!

So I’m making a plan. I’ve been talking to Alli, an adoption coordinator at the Adoption Support Center. She’s introduced me to this family and we had lunch together. I can’t put it into words, exactly, but it’s like I’ve known them forever. My baby is not going to be put up for random people to become parents! I’m not going to just “adopt her out”.

I’m making a plan. Right now, that plan includes adoption. I may follow through on that plan. I may not follow through on that plan. Whatever I decide, it will be what is best for this baby, my kids at home, and me. I’m not going to quit being a parent, even if I do place my baby with the family I met. I’ll be her parent in a different way, but I’ll always be connected to her.

I am not a quitter.

The Ties that Bind

“Your son would have brought much honor to your family.”

There’s something about a pregnant belly that invites commentary, advice, judgment, and opinion. Suddenly, everywhere you turn, there are people wanting to tell you their own pregnancy story, their friends’ pregnancy stories, and the latest rumor on the web about which celebrity is pregnant. And after the stories and rumors comes the questions. “When are you due?” “Do you know if it’s a boy or a girl?” “Do you have names picked out?”

Taylor remembers having this conversation with the nail tech while getting a pedicure. The woman was thrilled to hear she was having a boy. She exclaimed, “Your son will bring much honor to your family.” And then in the interest of honesty, Taylor confided her adoption plans to this woman. As Taylor said, “It just felt like a lie to let her think I was bringing this baby home.” The woman’s response was less than thrilled. She became more quiet and then said “your son would have brought much honor to your family.”

Let’s face it. Adoption sounds wonderful from the adoptive parents’ point of view. All their friends and family members get to be excited about a new child coming into their lives. But from your side? You are much more likely to get “How can you do that? How can you give your baby away?” Taylor also heard such comments as “just give your baby to me!”, and “I know you. You won’t be able to actually go through with it”. She had family members tell her that her baby was her “blood” and she had no business “giving it away”.

So how do you respond? First of all, you are never under any obligation to talk about your pregnancy—big belly or not. Random nosy people at the store or park or nail salon may be well intentioned, but they do not have the right to know your story. Taylor says in looking back she wished she had simply answered the questions about boy or girl and due date, and then simply said “thank you” to the part of bringing honor to her family.

Of course, to have people in your life that you know and trust is a blessing. They may not understand or agree with your decision to place the baby. Family pressure to parent is often real and very strong. Taylor says her answer to the question “How could you do that?” became “How could I not?” She goes on to tell it like this: “Good parents put the needs of their children before their own needs and desires. My choice is no different. I am just in a different circumstance.” She adds, “I want the very best for my son, but I am not able to provide that for him at this point. I didn’t feel right about dragging my son along for the struggle.”

Whatever your circumstances, your reasons, or feelings, the choices you make for your child belong to you! Whether you become the every day mommy or the mommy who loves your child in a different way, there is no breaking the bond you have with your baby. The people who know and love you will come to understand your decision. Still struggling with how to tell and who to tell? The ladies of the Adoption Support Center are ready to help you find the words.


Thinking the Unthinkable

So you’re pregnant. Not too far along…just a few weeks. But trying to think ahead is confusing, overwhelming…and let’s face it. The early physical parts of pregnancy may make you feel that you’ve got an alien inside you trying to completely take over your body.

At this point in time, you may not be able to picture a real baby. You might be caught in the now…just trying to get through the next few hours, days and weeks.

Early in the pregnancy, you might start to consider the possibility that you might not raise your baby yourself. It’s just a hint of an idea, but it sits in the back of your mind. But if you don’t raise this baby, what will happen? How does this just go away?

If you are still in your first trimester (up to twelve weeks pregnant), you can choose to end your pregnancy with an abortion. You can travel out of state if you are farther along to end your pregnancy. You may be thinking this is the best way to make the problem go away. You may not be thinking of what is going on inside you as a baby. And who is going to know if you don’t tell them?

Well, you will know. And while you may just feel a sense of relief, it’s likely you will always remember the experience. There is a good chance that you may regret it. And who can you talk to about it? If you don’t feel good about your decision, you may become depressed.

Once an abortion is done, it can’t be undone. There will be no baby.

So if abortion is not for you, yet down deep in your heart you believe that you are not ready to be a mom, what is for you? If you believe that you can’t give your baby the life you want for yourself or for another life, what do you do? Maybe this is where you can start to think about adoption.

In adoption, you can choose to give a baby a life, and give that baby the life you dream of. You have time…time to make a plan. Time to dream of the future. Time to get the basics of life in line…a place to live, a way to provide for yourself and the baby, and time to work on your relationships to others.

All this gets really confusing. But here is what a woman who placed her baby for adoption had to say about this difference between abortion and adoption.

“I would never be able to live with the guilt and grief of abortion. I know there is grief that comes with adoption as well, but I knew I would have peace knowing that I gave him life. I love my son and I know his adoptive parents do too and are glad that I chose life for him. Some people told me that I “could have gone the easy way out” and gotten an abortion but that never crossed my mind while I was pregnant.”

If you’re looking for someone to talk this through, just reach out. The Adoption Support Center is ready to talk about all of this…without judgment, pressure or expectation. We’re ready to listen.


I’m Pregnant—Now What?

What happens when the unthinkable happens? What happens when you pee on the stick, and that line appears? Maybe you want to have a baby and this is the best news you’ve seen in a long, long time.

But what happens if you don’t want to have a baby? What if this complicates your life and the life of your children in ways that are too hard to imagine?

An unplanned pregnancy can be scary, thrilling, sad, exhilarating, depressing, or breathtaking. From that first glimmer of suspicion to the confirmation from the pink lines on the pregnancy test, your emotions will probably shift and change from moment to moment. Guess what? This is normal!

When you take a few moments to let it sink in and to really think about it, you start to realize that life will never be the same. No matter what happens next, this has happened.

Perhaps your story is like that of Jessica’s. Here is what she wrote in her journal on the day she learned she was pregnant…again.

“I took a test today. It came out positive. I just got back in a relationship with my little girl’s dad. I had an appointment in a few days for birth control. How could I be so stupid to let this happen again? My daughter isn’t even three and he has never been around for her. How is this going to change anything?”

No matter what you are feeling, thinking, or doing, you are not alone! There are other women who have been there, felt that, and want to help you through the times that are scary and uncertain. You just have to reach out.  The Adoption Support Center is one place you can turn. No pressure, no judgment. Just compassion.