But What About Me? (Do grandparents count?)

“I know this is Taylor’s story, but I’m hurting too.”

Have you ever stopped to think that becoming a parent involves a series of “the first time…” events? One of the most exciting parts of becoming a mom or dad is experiencing all those “firsts”. It brings a feeling that the world is new and exciting. Do you remember the first deliberate smile from your baby? The first words, first steps, first time sleeping through the night? And then your baby starts becoming a little boy or little girl. The first day of school. The first sleepover. The first sports event. And then your little one is a teenager—and you experience the first dance. The first job. The first time driving a car.

There is a flip side to all those fun firsts. There are other firsts that aren’t so fun. The first fever. The first scraped knee. The first fight between best friends that has your darling crying herself to sleep. The first broken heart. And what if life doesn’t go as planned? You might learn that your daughter is having a first unexpected pregnancy and that your grandchild may become someone else’s grandbaby. These not-so-fun firsts may lead to personal feelings of sadness, regret and worry.

Taylor’s mom recalls that feeling well. When Taylor approached her with the news of both the pregnancy and her fears about raising a baby, it was time for some gut wrenching, heart breaking, soul searching. Taylor talked about adoption, and all her mom could think was “my baby is having a baby!” Her next thought was “What does she mean, adoption? This baby is part of us!” But as Taylor’s pregnancy progressed, and the adoption talk became more frequent and more certain, her mom wanted to become a part of the process. No one was going to take advantage of her daughter!

As Taylor looked at adoption, it became very clear there was no shortage of people wanting her baby. Taylor and her mom got phone calls from people who knew someone who had a cousin who was infertile, or who wanted a baby, or who knew someone who had adopted. All of them expressed interest in the baby…very few expressed interest in Taylor or her well-being. And Mom knew that handing over the baby to just anyone was not going to happen.

Being the mom of a woman experiencing an unexpected pregnancy is a tough role. Suddenly your voice becomes secondary. You can be an influence, but you can’t be the final decision maker. Taylor’s mom knew it, so she set about gathering information and learning what she could about Taylor’s options, rights, and responsibilities. Like any other major life choice, she sought the opinions of people she knew and trusted. She wanted to make certain that the adoption was done legally. She wanted to know that no one would be taking advantage of Taylor. She wanted to know that promises made would be promises kept.

The Adoption Support Center was there to answer the questions from Taylor’s mom and to help alleviate her fears. While they could not talk specifically about Taylor, they talked about what an adoption could look like—for Taylor, for herself, and for the baby. When Taylor contacted ASC herself, she found compassionate, listening women who were interested in her, not just her baby. Together Taylor and her mom found a family who wanted to adopt a baby, but also wanted to have a relationship with Taylor and her family. Taylor’s baby is growing up knowing that she is loved by many.

Taylor is one of the many “birthmomstrong” women who chose what she believed to be best for her child. Her mom also showed how strong women love their children through the tough things in life. The Adoption Support Center is honored to have been a part of their journey.


The Middle of the Adoption Process

Relinquishing a child for adoption is an emotional experience, with stages of grief that are experienced differently amongst birth mothers. It’s normal to have doubts in the middle of the process, and feelings stemming from your doubts are normal and shouldn’t be viewed negatively. Several organizations and support services exist to help birth mothers process and work through these emotions during the adoption process.

Coping with Grief

The process of grieving is never pretty, but working through emotions of grief and loss, both positive and negative, is the only way to progress past them in a healthy manner.1 Avoiding feelings of grief only serves to foster negative feelings, preventing you from living a productive life.

When these feelings arise, seek support from your adoption agency. Most adoption agencies have counselors on hand to help you process your feelings of grief in a healthy way. Consulting a counselor with your agency also allows them to become familiar with your needs, which they will balance with the needs of the adoptive parents and child to ensure all parties are receiving the care they require during this time.

The most important thing to realize is that you’re not alone in this experience, as millions of birthmothers are trying to process these same feelings.

Join a Birthmother Support Blog

It helps to share your experience, and joining a birthmother support blog not only allows you to work through the process, but can provide support and comfort to others just like you. Discussing and sharing adoption experiences can help you make formative choices during the adoption process and can prepare you for the moment you relinquish your parental rights to your child. Learning how other birthmothers coped with the process may be able to teach you lessons about dealing with your own grief. Remember, everyone experiences grief differently, but you may discover valuable strategies that may help you.

Sharing your own unique experiences on a support blog can help other new birthmothers going through the same experience. Your guidance can prove vital, and your story may be the key to getting them through it. If you’re looking for empathy and compassion, a support blog community may be a good source for inspiration and hope.

Support You Can Count On with Adoption Support Center

At Adoption Support Center you can get the help you need within a safe, friendly space where you can talk openly and honestly about whatever issues you’re facing during the adoption process. We have adoption coordination and support lines open 24/7 to answer your call the second you need us.

We provide coaching and counseling services regarding how to balance your living expenses, what your relationship options are with the adopting family and whether you want a closed or open adoption process. Contact Adoption Support Center today to get the answers and help you need when you need it.