There is a version of adoption some (if not many) professionals are still “selling” expectant parents. We say still because we’ve been there, done that. But in the words of Maya Angelou, “when you know better, do better.”
This version, born (potentially with initial good intentions) from the shame and coercion of the baby scoop era, developed into the brave love narrative through positive adoption language, is not the full story. And, it’s potentially just as coercive as the forced adoptions of earlier decades. Just packaged differently.
Expectant parents making difficult decisions deserve better. They need the facts, accurate information and a more nuanced look at the complexities of choosing adoption for their infant/child before making this permanent decision.
Expectant Parents considering adoption: Below, we’ll list the “sell” you may hear from some professionals. We’ll follow each with a little more information in hopes you are given a more complete, balanced look at adoption.
**Please note: When discussing parenting as a viable option, we are not referring to situations where a child’s safety, health or well-being would be at risk. Many (potentially most) expectant parents who consider or choose adoption are a safe option for their child. They consider adoption for other reasons including (but not limited to) timing, lack of support and resources.
1.Adoption is the BEST decision.
Adoption should be a safe, shame free option you can consider if you need to. However, it is not always the best option. Only you get to decide if it is best for your family.
2.If you choose adoption, you are BRAVE and SELFLESS. You are the best kind of mother.
You are. However, if you choose another option, including (but not limited to) parenting, you are brave and selfless, and a good mother. Parents facing unplanned pregnancies are brave and just trying to make the best decision for their family.
3.Adoption is the MOST LOVING option.
Adoption is one of many loving options, including (but not limited to) parenting, too.
4.There is LOVE, BEAUTY, HOPE and a broader definition of family in adoption.
There is. But that is only half of the story. There is also grief, loss and trauma for both you and your baby/child.
5.You can receive LIVING EXPENSE FUNDS as you consider/choose adoption and this money will fix/change your life.
In the state of Indiana, you are able to receive up to $4,000 in living expense funds as you consider/choose adoption. You absolutely should use these funds if needed for things like food, shelter, clothing. And, while $4,000 may seem like a lot of money to many, especially if you’re struggling to get by/remain stable, we’ve never seen it greatly impact or change the trajectory of an expectant/birth parents’ life. It can be a band aid/temporary fix to aid in keeping you safe/stable for a short time, but we’ve not seen it do so for the long term. We want you to have realistic expectations for these funds.
6.You’ll be able to reach your GOALS, pursue your DREAMS, “get your life back on track” if you place your child for adoption.
You might be in a spot where adoption is needed for you to do that. There’s nothing wrong with that. Please also consider, you very likely may be able to do this while parenting as well, if you have help connecting you with the right supports and resources.
7.Adoption will allow you to find the PERFECT family for your child. They will have the opportunity for a BETTER life.
Let’s set the record straight. Adoption doesn’t guarantee a better life. It likely means a different life, with possible gains and likely losses.
Please know, when safe and possible, you are the perfect parent for your child. You matter so much to them simply because you are you. You are their connection to their roots, their DNA, their biology, everything that makes them who they are.
If you are in a place where parenting doesn’t feel like/isn’t a viable or safe option, adoption can hopefully lead you to a safe, stable, loving home for your baby. However, no adoptive parents are perfect. They are human just like you. Hopefully, with the support of the right professionals, you can find a compassionate, open-hearted adoptive family, well educated in adoption and ready to walk out this lifelong, complex journey with you and your child.
8.OPEN ADOPTION will make placing your child for adoption EASIER. You’ll get to see them grow up.
Yes, hopefully you will. However, we’re learning from many birth parents (and adoptees, too) navigating open adoptions long term, how difficult open adoption can be. It is an important piece of the puzzle but not a fix/cure all. Birth parents continue to show up for their child whenever possible, but it is not easy. Grieving a child placed while simultaneously watching them from the sidelines and navigating an ongoing relationship is not emotionally easy.
It’s important to note, in the state of Indiana, keeping promises of an open adoption (when the child is placed under the age of two years old) is a moral obligation not a legal one. Thus, why it is incredibly important to choose an adoptive family who is well educated in the importance of open adoption for both the birth family and adoptee and is equipped to navigate the complexities of these lifelong, vital relationships.
9.You will NOT REGRET your decision to place your child for adoption. You may regret your decision if you parent.
We find the opposite to be true. Some parents who choose to place their infant for adoption experience regret, whether it’s immediately after or years down the road as they consider, “could I have parented?” Sometimes the feelings of regret come and go. They can be related to grief. Other times, they are immediate and stick.
Most who choose to parent do not regret their decision. Because if you give parenting a try and it doesn’t work out or the support you thought would show up fails to come through, you can still choose adoption even if your child is no longer a newborn.
Potential regret is a big reason why you deserve to be fully informed about adoption, the potential good and the potential hard, before you make the decision to place. It’s also important to make sure you are of sound mind and body as you make this difficult decision. Your mental health, stress, crisis and hormones all play a part. You should be given adequate space and time to make this decision and should never be pressured into deciding quickly or shortly after your baby is born.
Expectant Parents considering adoption: If you are in a place where you need to consider or choose adoption, you have the right to do so safely and without pressure, shame or judgement. We’re not trying to talk you into or out of adoption. We’re hoping to give you a more honest, accurate picture as you make difficult decisions. We are here and can help. Please reach out today.