Is visitation after an adoption a good idea?

Once you start exploring the idea of adoption, you begin to face lots of decisions. One of those decisions is whether or not to ask for visits with your child after the placement is done and baby is home with the adopting mommy and daddy. And like most things in adoption, there is no one size fits all answer. Every adoption creates a unique relationship. But for most women, visits with your child are a very good idea.

Look at it this way. You’ve spent a lot of time searching for the exact right family. You’ve thought about whether or not adoption is the best choice for your baby. You’ve worried about whether or not the adoptive family will do what they promise. You’ve worried about what your child will think of you someday. Having visits with your baby as they are growing up is very healing. It helps take some of those worries away. You can see for yourself how things are going.

On the other hand, visits can be hard. You may feel anxiety, or anger, or sadness when thinking about a visit. And that’s ok too. You may not be ready. No one knows you better than you. You might find comfort in pictures and video chatting. It’s back to the no one size fits all approach!

So what is the biggest reason to have visits with your child after the adoption? Because children who grow up knowing they are adopted deserve to know about their history, and that history includes the people who created them! That history includes you! The adoptive parents can tell your child all about you, but telling about someone and actually knowing someone are completely different things.

Adoptive families working with the Adoption Support Center understand that a child’s history is important to a child who joins their family through adoption. They also understand your connection to your child. As your relationship develops, you and the adoptive parents will navigate the visit decision together. Is visitation after an adoption a good idea? You be the judge.


But What About Me? (Do grandparents count?)

“I know this is Taylor’s story, but I’m hurting too.”

Have you ever stopped to think that becoming a parent involves a series of “the first time…” events? One of the most exciting parts of becoming a mom or dad is experiencing all those “firsts”. It brings a feeling that the world is new and exciting. Do you remember the first deliberate smile from your baby? The first words, first steps, first time sleeping through the night? And then your baby starts becoming a little boy or little girl. The first day of school. The first sleepover. The first sports event. And then your little one is a teenager—and you experience the first dance. The first job. The first time driving a car.

There is a flip side to all those fun firsts. There are other firsts that aren’t so fun. The first fever. The first scraped knee. The first fight between best friends that has your darling crying herself to sleep. The first broken heart. And what if life doesn’t go as planned? You might learn that your daughter is having a first unexpected pregnancy and that your grandchild may become someone else’s grandbaby. These not-so-fun firsts may lead to personal feelings of sadness, regret and worry.

Taylor’s mom recalls that feeling well. When Taylor approached her with the news of both the pregnancy and her fears about raising a baby, it was time for some gut wrenching, heart breaking, soul searching. Taylor talked about adoption, and all her mom could think was “my baby is having a baby!” Her next thought was “What does she mean, adoption? This baby is part of us!” But as Taylor’s pregnancy progressed, and the adoption talk became more frequent and more certain, her mom wanted to become a part of the process. No one was going to take advantage of her daughter!

As Taylor looked at adoption, it became very clear there was no shortage of people wanting her baby. Taylor and her mom got phone calls from people who knew someone who had a cousin who was infertile, or who wanted a baby, or who knew someone who had adopted. All of them expressed interest in the baby…very few expressed interest in Taylor or her well-being. And Mom knew that handing over the baby to just anyone was not going to happen.

Being the mom of a woman experiencing an unexpected pregnancy is a tough role. Suddenly your voice becomes secondary. You can be an influence, but you can’t be the final decision maker. Taylor’s mom knew it, so she set about gathering information and learning what she could about Taylor’s options, rights, and responsibilities. Like any other major life choice, she sought the opinions of people she knew and trusted. She wanted to make certain that the adoption was done legally. She wanted to know that no one would be taking advantage of Taylor. She wanted to know that promises made would be promises kept.

The Adoption Support Center was there to answer the questions from Taylor’s mom and to help alleviate her fears. While they could not talk specifically about Taylor, they talked about what an adoption could look like—for Taylor, for herself, and for the baby. When Taylor contacted ASC herself, she found compassionate, listening women who were interested in her, not just her baby. Together Taylor and her mom found a family who wanted to adopt a baby, but also wanted to have a relationship with Taylor and her family. Taylor’s baby is growing up knowing that she is loved by many.

Taylor is one of the many “birthmomstrong” women who chose what she believed to be best for her child. Her mom also showed how strong women love their children through the tough things in life. The Adoption Support Center is honored to have been a part of their journey.


This Is Kind of a Big Deal…I Need a Maybe Family!

“My mom’s mad, the father doesn’t believe the baby is his, and life is falling apart. Maybe I can do this, but maybe it’s time to look into adoption.”

Jessica remembers writing this in her journal. She remembers the feeling of being completely and totally overwhelmed. She called herself “dumb” (she’s not!) and wondered what to do.

Sometimes when you decide to look into adoption, a “maybe family” jumps into your mind. Or falls into your lap. Your second cousin once removed has a friend who knows of a family trying to adopt. You’ve talked to your second cousin once removed a few times and trust him up to a point. You agree to talk with the cousin’s friend who puts you in touch with the family trying to adopt. They tell you they have been trying to adopt for years, that birth mothers have scammed them and taken lots of money from them and they want you to sign something RIGHT NOW that will guarantee you will hand over your baby to them. Your heart goes out to them, and you WANT to help them.

But that feeling in the pit of your stomach is letting you know that this doesn’t feel quite right. There’s something about that signing anything RIGHT NOW that doesn’t sit well. So you start looking through Facebook. And Instagram. You google “adoption”. And you see countless pictures of smiling families from all over. Some have other kids. Some have dogs. Some are single. Some are paired up and seem cute and sweet. That overwhelming feeling starts to take over. They all promise to love your child. They all promise to provide your child an education, vacations, and holiday traditions. All those smiling people promise they will stay in touch with you long after the adoption is over. Letters. Pictures. Texts. Facebook posts. Visits. “But will they?” you wonder to yourself. And that feeling in the pit of your stomach is back.

Adoption does not have to be that way. You have control. You have the right to learn all you can about the maybe family that tells you they would love to adopt your baby. You can make choices for yourself and your baby. Now is the time to find an expert…someone who knows about adoption. Someone who knows about the laws that are about adoption. Someone who has completely checked out the maybe family, and knows that they are truly safe and stable. Think about letting a licensed, reputable adoption agency or an adoption attorney do some of the hard work of checking out the maybe family.

This is the time you are looking for an expert. To say an adoption attorney is an attorney who does adoptions sounds silly, but an adoption attorney is one who really has specialized in this field, and really gets how important this decision is for you and your baby. Now is not the time to use the lawyer who got your brother’s girlfriend out of her drunk driving charge. Licensed agencies know how to dig deep into the maybe parents’ world and check them out. This means the families they are working with are secure, safe and stable. A good agency also understands that adoption involves relationships—relationships between you and the maybe family, you and your baby, and the maybe family and the baby. That agency also knows that relationships change over the years, and they will be around for the long haul.

The Adoption Support Center is one of those licensed, reputable agencies that has done the hard work of checking out people who want to adopt. The women who work there passionately care about what happens to you and to your baby. Let the Adoption Support Center help you get rid of that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. Contact them anytime—no question is too big or too small. Remember, you have options and you are in control!


Feeling let down again? Let the Adoption Support Center help pick you back up.

Promises, promises, promises. It seems anyone can make one, but it’s hard for people to keep them. You might have been thinking about adoption, even started planning to do an adoption. You might be an Indiana birth mom who had reached out to an agency, and then found the agency couldn’t deliver on their promises.

Earlier this week, the adoption agency called Independent Adoption Center (IAC) announced they were closing their doors, effective immediately. The women of the Adoption Support Center were saddened to hear this — because our passion is creating families and lasting relationships through adoption. We don’t know all that has happened with their program, but we know what we can offer.

The Adoption Support Center is an Indiana adoption agency, run by Indiana women with personal and deep commitments to adoption. We have been here for more than thirty years, and are determined to be here for years to come.

We may not have all the answers to every problem our birth moms have, but we do have compassion, empathy, and lots of insight into how adoption works. We understand Indiana laws about adoption. We get that birth moms want the world for their babies. And we get that trust can be hard, especially when it has been recently broken.

For any woman thinking about adoption, and wondering who to trust, we invite you to get to know the Adoption Support Center. We will be right here in Indiana, supporting women through that tough time in their lives, offering fresh starts, and creating families and relationships. We want to earn your trust.


The Middle of the Adoption Process

Relinquishing a child for adoption is an emotional experience, with stages of grief that are experienced differently amongst birth mothers. It’s normal to have doubts in the middle of the process, and feelings stemming from your doubts are normal and shouldn’t be viewed negatively. Several organizations and support services exist to help birth mothers process and work through these emotions during the adoption process.

Coping with Grief

The process of grieving is never pretty, but working through emotions of grief and loss, both positive and negative, is the only way to progress past them in a healthy manner.1 Avoiding feelings of grief only serves to foster negative feelings, preventing you from living a productive life.

When these feelings arise, seek support from your adoption agency. Most adoption agencies have counselors on hand to help you process your feelings of grief in a healthy way. Consulting a counselor with your agency also allows them to become familiar with your needs, which they will balance with the needs of the adoptive parents and child to ensure all parties are receiving the care they require during this time.

The most important thing to realize is that you’re not alone in this experience, as millions of birthmothers are trying to process these same feelings.

Join a Birthmother Support Blog

It helps to share your experience, and joining a birthmother support blog not only allows you to work through the process, but can provide support and comfort to others just like you. Discussing and sharing adoption experiences can help you make formative choices during the adoption process and can prepare you for the moment you relinquish your parental rights to your child. Learning how other birthmothers coped with the process may be able to teach you lessons about dealing with your own grief. Remember, everyone experiences grief differently, but you may discover valuable strategies that may help you.

Sharing your own unique experiences on a support blog can help other new birthmothers going through the same experience. Your guidance can prove vital, and your story may be the key to getting them through it. If you’re looking for empathy and compassion, a support blog community may be a good source for inspiration and hope.

Support You Can Count On with Adoption Support Center

At Adoption Support Center you can get the help you need within a safe, friendly space where you can talk openly and honestly about whatever issues you’re facing during the adoption process. We have adoption coordination and support lines open 24/7 to answer your call the second you need us.

We provide coaching and counseling services regarding how to balance your living expenses, what your relationship options are with the adopting family and whether you want a closed or open adoption process. Contact Adoption Support Center today to get the answers and help you need when you need it.