As I sit here and think about adoption, we birth moms preach on the amazing gift that we give. We place our child(ren) with families that can do more for them than what we ever could. We all have our reasons as to why we place our little ones, and we are all so grateful for the families our kids grow up with.
But very little do I speak about the grief I still have to this day. Each morning I wake up, throw a smile on my face, and go about my day. However, no one knows about the empty cavity that lays within my heart that I battle every single minute.
I did not place my son out of spite or hate. I did not place my child because I did not want him. I placed my child out of love and sacrifice for I could not give him any sort of life.
To this day, I hate driving by the hospital where I gave birth in to my beautiful, amazing, little boy. The amount of emotion that comes over me every time I pass is so overwhelming. I question if I am ever going to be able to cope with the loss I faced that day.
Passing by that hospital makes me replay that day over and over in my head. The world stood still, and I felt alone. Completely and utterly alone. No one person was going to change that feeling for me. I had welcomed life into the world, and I had to say good bye to that life I brought. I kissed him on the head and had to simply wave good bye. The worst ripped off band aid I would ever have in my life that keeps getting ripped off while its connected to my skin with cement epoxy and any other adhesive you can imagine.
Was my decision the right decision? Could I have done it? Could I have taken my child home? And the worst part is I still have to tell myself no, even in this moment it is still a no.
I am not a bad mother for placing my son, yet I still face judgement by so many. So many close-minded people that spit at my name because I don’t have my son. People that think I made my decision too quickly when I waited till the very last minute to make the decision I did.
My sorrow, in knowing I will never be called mommy by my own blood, is something that not very many people come to realize. My pain is having to watch someone else hold his hand and walk him through life.
I sit on the side lines and simply say “good job” or “oh, wow he did that today!”
Have you ever been placed behind bars and just told to watch? Locked down on a life you have no control over?
That’s my loss.
And It will never go away…
Each person to their own and how they feel. I know each Birth Mother has their own, their own loss, and we all handle it differently. But when we cheer for that baby that you finally get to hold and call your own, remember the loss. Remember the tragedy someone had to go through to make this selfless unconditional loving act that they are making for someone they brought into the world. Take a moment to let your self feel however that birth mother is feeling in that moment. Because then maybe when you start this journey, the woman you get to meet, you can look at her and say it will be okay. You don’t have to stay away. I am mommy now, but I will make sure that your child knows you were mommy first.
Show love and compassion to the women that have made this selfless act. We are all human. No matter what our upbringing, situation, or lifestyle.
My adoption story is amazing, and I don’t want any of you to feel as if it not. I love my son’s parents as they love me. They love my little family and we are all so happy when we get together. We call and text. We FaceTime and send pictures. We make future plans and discuss the upbringing of my baby boy. I am so very much included. But as I mentioned before what my loss feels like, no matter how involved I am I will still live with that for the rest of my life.
I do not regret placing my boy. I have regret because I was not ready and still not to this day.